Sunday, September 24, 2017

The Death of One

http://www.gospelherald.com/articles/71406/20170921/nabeel-qureshi-funeral-ravi-zacharias-reflects-abnormal-life-faith-son.htm



 Here a servant of Christ, a Christian apologist who left behind a young wife and daughter. After his conversion, he repeatedly put his faith in Christ and in the Evangelical message about the validity of his faith. When he was stricken with stomach cancer, every body prayed for him, up lifted him and so did he, with the same faith he was promised. That God is alive, that God is one, and God listens to prayers of his children, and prayers do matter and faith moves mountains. Then he dies. His young wife stricken with utter grief and I am sure, for unspeakable horror and despair, if not for the moment. His young daughter now lives with her mother, without her father. 

So why did God fail to heal him? 

I think death is a natural event, and happens to all of us, sooner or later. There is no escape. It happens that some of us carry the markers of death, some genetic traits mutable and at times expresses its death wish, and the carrier would die. I think his death is a not a remarkable thing that his faith is! But his faith is not miraculous as they claim it to be. It is, just faith. Something they claim it and no validity of its presence in the world. God, this Evangelical God, the God that converts heathens and Muslims, is not real, for he does not exist like they say he does. He is an imagination to many, and prayers to many, and answers none. He is not a real thing, for he does not answer or act when he is supposed to. So prayers went up for healing went in vain. Prayers that sought suffering's relief went on to deaf ears. There was no ears on the other reeving end.

So he died, when he lived, he lived to God and when he dies, he dies to sin, and suffering of this world. This brethren has fallen. I can relate to him, for I too have a young family to raise and a "young' wife, plus responsibilities. But I will not pray to a God that is less than real. I will put my faith in the world, and in this world, my home which I make my humble abode, I shall be, for a time, and I shall be no more. That is my faith, I believe in the world and this is the final resting place I choose, should someday I am no more, I will sail on with a smile, and the firm resolve that I have lived, and in that living, I know who I am, a small speck in the dust , and count less than nothing on the balance. That is what I am. But I will not pray like this brother, for healing and for things. For there is no receiver on the other line. That, is the truth. In the end, put my faith on the firm ground, this world. As a few years ago, I learnt of this truth, if I were ever to be lost, and lost my way, I would put my trust in the world, for the world is greater than I. The world is my home and resting place.



http://www.christianpost.com/news/why-didnt-god-heal-nabeel-qureshi-199618/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP-VBC59-XQ

prayers that failed:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anJpMKR22TQ

his own words:

https://www.facebook.com/NabeelQureshi.org/photos/a.848432938510868.1073741827.218959278124907/1644451002242387/?type=3&theater

Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Psychology of Mark Maxwell


The Psychology of Mark Maxwell

by The Lord Ben Chung (written somewhere in 2011)

What I am attempting to do is to give a personal analysis of Mark Maxwell, and if I may through some light to Linda, Cathy and our survivors’ predicament.

I. The Old LE (LE Maxwell, previous president of Prairie Bible Institute)

It goes back to the Old LE. LE was brought up in the Midwestern part of the USA. I am not too sure of his familiar history, whether there is any hx. of psychological illness, and/or psychosis. The Old LE is a prototype of our modern Prairie (information garnished by reading the Atomic Dude, Linda, other survivors here), that he has a very strong and harsh character, and quite insular, and from the tales Miss Chapman provided, that he is supposedly an excellent Preacher (but after listening to him on the internet, esp. on the 5th commandment, his preaching is not so convincing or that demanding, it looks like our LE is also a product of his time and his teaching fades as I write this article), and has a very strong character. He does not bow to pressure easily. His formal education comes from a small insignificant rural bible college, the Midland Bible College, Kansas, which is the belt buckle of Christian fundamentalism. It is safer to classify him as a classical fundamentalist (as opposed to the Religious Right that is quite political), that is, he is moved by a hatred for modernity: theological or modern scientific findings that contradicted the Bible. This modern view has no place for all the miraculous and supernatural view of the Bible. He must have had a strong hatred and anger about folks who support this method. But he is an old time fundamentalist, that means he has very little interest in politics. Instead, he believes in the imminent, immediate second coming of Christ, and he has no desire to improve human societies. LE wants to evangelise as quickly as possible, and with all means and by all methods. His school is modeled after a boot camp and he requires all hands to submit to his calling. This is the creation of our modern Prairie, as an insular not accountable to the civil laws or modernity.

Our Old LE has managed to build a school to conduct a Christian military campaign, and there is a chain of command, so the problem stops with him. No one dares to take the problem outside. I am certain he makes exception to those of his men who commit certain crime and for the sake of the campaign, he let them be. In this authoritarian atmosphere, no one else dares to go beyond the man. And no one trusts his own judgment except to rely on LE’s. This is the beginning of the massive abuses that would be taking place at Prairie. If it is not committed by LE, in this insular authoritarian atmosphere, his second in command or third in command or whoever in command may be guilty and get away with it, as long as they clear this with the man, LE. In this similar way, Mamou children were doomed. The C & MA operated in the same fashion today. They have a strong drive to proselytise anyone that comes their way....but I am jumping the wagon here.

LE must have exhibited some form of psychological dysfunctional state that separates him from the rest of our Canadian society. He lives in a bubble that could burst any moment, and he is not interested whether men or women ever get together (ie. To hold a normal marital relation and family life), and I cannot imaging what type of spiritual abuse he did to his own children. I can only imagine. He has to put up an insular face and he is the complete servant of God and everyone must be a missionary, so there goes Paul, Ruth and even our Mark, all of them must live this lie if they had to be a Maxwell.

I am not certain this is the right comment, but Ruth Maxwell, correct me if you may. Your family has shown some really psychological dysfunction. For the starter, there must be a black sheep (Mark?) who disagreed with this method, and “rebelled.” I am sure this rebellion caused tremendous embarrass for the school and LE, so they drive that one out and cover it up. Or if that one comes back, he/she is treated very poorly because of the breaking of ranks. Mark might fit into this mold, because he evidently eschews the bible school education. He is into business, I was told at one time he used to sell dental supplies in Calgary, and his training is business and finance. That would qualify him as a black sheep who rebels at the LE’s wish for all his family and grandchildren.

One of the instability of LE is seen in the nervous breakdown of Paul Maxwell. I do believe this happened when I was there during 1984-1985, Paul had a breakdown and my underclassman Rick (?) was a witness of it. He would know best what exactly happened. Unless they shielded it from him?

This is one of the rare event, I do suggest that we are dealing with a familial trait, perhaps a bipolar disorder, I would not be surprised that LE's trait is passed onto Paul and as a softer man and kinder and gentler man, he simply can not deal with the harshness of the school environment with its legalistic abuses both spiritual and physical and possibly sexual.

If I can make this medical diagnosis, that LE is possibly suffering from depression (bipolar, manic-depression), he may also possesses some form of grandiosity. LE's own ego is certainly greater than everyone, for he wanted to evangelize the entire world in his own generation. So he attracts a dysfunctional blue collar people who seek simple black and white answers. These folks do have a very simplistic education and lack critical faulty, which make them an easy pray for LE and this myth of evangelism. Lacking financial resources, and family connections, disposed, and without a hope in this world, they find that fascinating future painted by our LE and his militaristic team. They eagerly embrace this future and looking only forward so that they can usher in the King and most important rapture event. This form of simpleton theological is due to the very bottom layer of society whose lives see very little social advancement and no hope in the world they live. These children become the next sacrifices in the LE’s school. As part of the militaristic discipline, they discipline their children with this blue collar way, chain them to bed, beat them and starve them. These are means by the peasant farmers who used to worked the land. For the fortunate middle class would have money, and with that, they send their kids to a better education, and better future, and they would be in better position than to get cooped up in the militaristic insular bible school of LE.

II. Mark Maxwell (current president of Prairie Bible Institute)

Coming from this background, Mark "escapes" and goes as far as he can. However, as he runs away from his harmful environment, his past catches up with him. I am not sure what education he has. On his own Towers Financial website, he has a bachelor degree from Trinity Western in business and a MBA from Baylor University in Texas. He is groomed in business and his primary interest is in business. Mark has a poor preparation of theology, not to mention modern sciences as in math, biology, chemistry or engineering, those require a bit of brain. But as a MK, he is a transculture kid, (basically Vivian R Palmer Harvey told me is that she is a third world kid in the first world culture, completely foreign and I can relate to that, for I too, am a TCK.)

His poor preparation in the humanities shows up during his interviews recently and his radio address. He comes across as someone who is poorly prepared and redundant, insular and indifferent about the sufferings of our survivors. He actually jokes with his radio host Dan Callaway and both congratulate themselves and down play the numbers of allegations and he is a very poor public speaker. It shows that LE’s trait, other than the psychological genetic depression, has skipped this Mark. Unlike his grandfather, Mark commands little of his presence other than he is a Maxwell. But as the 27 page document suggests, he has a poor choice of words, often vulgar and I would not be surprised he in a real situation swears like the rest of our folks here, and his aim is less than spiritual. I have one phone call with him at the height of PBI/Drumheller controversy. I called and left a message with his wife. Mark did call me back, and one of the interesting thing about him is that he keeps on talking, insular to what I have to say and as if he does not listen well. He mentions that he will beef up the Bible Department, after the stunt that previous faculty pulled. It was not a good choice of word. The entire Bible Faculty petitioned to have the school changed in the Dr O’s vision (to dramatically reduce Bible College), and aftermath of that, was everyone was require to resign from their post immediately. It was very painful for Michael Pahl (who actually married Rock Down’s daughter). I would not call that a stunt, it was a genuine petition to save the contents of the bible college before Dr O changes into a regular community college.

But Mark's own escape does not go far. As the previous Prairie president, Ohlhauser needs to have some validation on this before all the Prairie community. The Maxwell's blessing is much more important than god's and so he has Mark on the Board. Frankly I am sure Ohlhauser runs everything, Mark simply goes along. Here, one can say his style is not confrontational. In contrast, Ohlhauser fires people frequently and often. Anyone who disagrees with him is to be eliminated, and so the exodus begins. The best example is what he did to the PCAAT previous Dean or the entire Bible faculty at Prairie.

But these events would have pushed Mark into this position today, as the fate would have it. Ohlhauser really messes up and finally loses the entire school support and the school evidently is dying. The last desperate move is to get rid of Prairie community and start over, but Mark has the courage to stop him. so this is where Mark comes in, he is the reluctant and most ill-prepared President of Prairie.

Mark has a very poor preparation of theology, I am certain he cannot not read German, and so he is oblivious of what is happening to modern biblical studies. His poor education does not include Hebrew or Greek or classics, so he has not much philosophical preparation, which is vital to the direction of the school. He so far, merely reacts to whatever that has happened today. He gets rid of Ohlhauser and is forced into this position. I critically ask what qualification has he, other than he is the only male alive and breathing Maxwell?

With a background of a very strong but psychologically unstable grandfather, borderline abusive in his language and action, the actual nervous breakdown of his own uncle, Paul, which suggests his has a trait of this psychological illness, and now when confronted, Mark is clueless. Linda, I hope you have your answers already. He is completely inept to deal this environment of abused. Perhaps he is a survivor of some sort, I will not be surprised.

I know I made a lot of assumptions, but this is the best diagnosis I can come up, given my background and the critical training I received with my own medical/dental training.

Hope it makes sense, I would welcome any critic on my own analysis. thanks all.

* One small note about Mark after I read these 27 pages of Notes by Hank. It does shed light on the real Mark, who has very little moral fabric and cares very little about the people he works with. He is almost like the Dr O we just gotten rid off. I think Mark paid him off with these loans mentioned, some 50,000 and 220,000 as these were forgiven. Mark speaks as a modern man, lies, curses as usual that is current with his work in the financial world. Most of these folks I might add, have very little moral fabric. Despite what he shows in public, he does not have any ounce of care to those he gotten rid of. I think the school is doomed and the money will slowly transfer from the school into the pocket of Maxwell. Wayne Nelson is only a pawn and as such, not worthwhile and when Mark has no need of this jester, he will also get rid of him as well.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

On Moody Bible Institute: A Boot Camp

On Bible Boot Camp:

I can relate to this MBI Boot Camp. I spent four years in a charismatic church in Vancouver, BC, taught by the arch fundamentalists using ‘Accelerated Christian Education’ curriculum, and my senior year was spent at Prairie High School, part of Prairie Bible Institute. I also memorized bible verses using King James Version. Even today, some forty years later, I can recall biblical verses and the passion for the truth has not been extinguished. Unlike you, Bart, the Exalted One, I have no luck in seminaries. My own pious folks talked me out of going to bible college, and later on seminary. But in my spare time, I was thoroughly indoctrinated by the teachings of ‘Complete Works of Francis A Schaeffer.” and other apologists of the faith. It is only years later, after I have come to the conclusion that my faith is an elaborated construct, something that may not be real or true. But for years, I resisted the liberals and their teachings about the bible. Reading your books for commoners like myself helps me to get out of this intellectual prison. Your book on suffering really helps to nail it, for me, it is personal why I finally reject this fundamentalist faith. I have lived to witness absurdities in the churches, of drunken pastors, lesbians who did not practice what they preached, abuses of all sorts, but that did not touch me. You’d must be familiar with the comments we are exhorted to ‘look to Jesus and not to men.” They thus give a pass to all sorts of absurdities in the faith. But a personal thing happened while I struggle with my faith. It was in the marrying my wife I gradually came to see how absurd I was and that my childhood faith is no longer sufficient or real to live in this world. That personal experience, not intellectual doubt, helps me to come out gradually. I am still pretty much the same person, same fundamentalist today. I don’t smoke, drink or dance. I am uncomfortable to swear, and my life style is the same old boring self. But I am a new person today, reading and re-reading your works. I don’s always understand, but I keep on seeking the truth that is in us and in the world. In my being, the teachings found in the gospels are sacred to me, and I try to live a life according to it. For others, it makes no sense, they would perhaps ask why don’t you just throw the whole thing out, and live a carnal life. I cannot, for I esteem these teachings for so many years, it has defined me. But with these discussions, I see that my understanding of the bible and my childhood faith is based on a construct that is no longer. So I now learn to treat LGBT people humanely and kindly, that I no longer ‘evangelize’ for it has no more meaning for me. I also stopped attending church, for I find it difficult to say the Nicene Creed ( like you did).
Would I recommend the Bible Boot camp? I am not sure, but I am equally uncomfortable with an age that is more materialistic, and actively lead an epicurean life. I think, living a life of virtues, for in that, is my reward. I still believe in God, but I would rephrase God as Gott. (the good). A life patterns after goodness, is the best way I can describe my faith today, and that mystic Jesus still puzzles me. So I read and re-read your writings and others. If you have someone on the self-destructive pathway, and there is no answer, use fundamentalist faith, for that maybe the “hatch” (small escaping opening) of this terrible world, for which he maybe able to escape. For someone that has no moral structures, no stable family life or relationship, maybe suicidal, or hateful, what is the harm to teach him that “God is love” and to love others? And it maybe useful to scare him that God is holy and he is all but fire and will burn up sinners in the end. That was how they taught and invented this story to perhaps stop sociopaths of their days. And in the days such as ours, this is why they have so many of them flocking to their churches for clear and back and white answers. You will always have a few percent in the population to do this. This is why religion cannot be exterminated even in a godless society such as the Russians or ours.
There, that is my take on it. Thank you, Bart Ehrman of God, for helping such a sinner as I. 🙂

taken from :
https://ehrmanblog.org/moody-bible-boot-camp/

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Theology of Garlic

 Benjamin Chung is there a theology on garlic?
Cindy Tsay uncle Ben, do you mean planting garlic?
Benjamin Chung or just the garlic itself, I would imagine that a theologian sees God in all things. What comes to their minds when they think about garlic?
Cindy Tsay I thought you're an amateur theologian, what do you think about it?
Benjamin Chung in my humble opinion, that God is transcendent in all things. It goes through all things, in all things and is all things, That last statement is guilty of pantheistic feeling. My own theology is that I see God in all things, that garlic, which I see that goodness, is God. This theology is very guilty of pantheism, but I have the same feeling as St Paul when he accuses some who mistaken created beings as the creator itself. I am. But when you look at the goodness of garlic, it is very essence of God itself (or in some seminaries, they like the word, godself.) But for me, garlic is gott, God is garlic.
Cindy Tsay That's interesting...I don't think you'll find your answer on this website; . Many people do believe that nature is god and that god's essence is fully captured and represented in everything. But, I don't think that evangelical Christians view god in that way.
Benjamin Chung hahaha, I am a garlic theologian, and nothing else. wink emoticon
Benjamin Chung Cindy, I am an amateur theologian! Garlic needs more theology! wink emoticon

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Regarding Brother Hansel

Words of wisdom for Brother Hansel Chen who has been called to served a rural church in Northern Ontario:

"When you move to a small community, your kids will grow up healthier, less troubled by Taiwanese culture, and you will learn to appreciate nature as it is intended for us. At first, you will feel like an exile, that you have been rejected by Taiwanese churches in Toronto, so you have to be in a rural community. I have been there, but then it is a,blessing in disguise. I would put it this way, while everyone gives you the congratulations, and all that Christian greetings stuff, I would be sober. If you embraced your community, it will embrace you. If you stayed in doors a lot, and become aloof to all that is around, you, you will have a hard time. Learn that human nature is good, and that God is good, so that you will learn to love and adapt to your own church. Being an ordained reverend means that kirk session no longer has any powers over you, that the presbytery will take charge when things go wrong. Do not abuse your power, as some have done. But rather learn to submit yourself to God and Christ our Lord, how he learnt humility. As it is often said, submit one to another for the sake of Christ.


Learn to grow a garden, raise fine chickens and kids, and join your local farmers market. That way, you will begin to put down deep roots. Toronto is a nice place, but it is not the right place to live, Learn to grow old there, and enjoy the nature as God intended for all of us. Just don't come back. Your people will need you to baptize their babies, sanctify their marriages, and bury their dead. You have a job to do. Toronto has an over supply of reverends, there is no need of you here.

In due time, you will come to realize that it is good to be alive, and that your karma will turn wen you have realize your place in the human community. Good luck to you and your new wife."


This Lady Speaks My Mind


當突如起來的毀滅性災難發生,人的反應常常一開始會是震驚,有一半的頭腦隨後明白發生了甚麼事,但另一半卻處在奇異的恍惚狀態,無法意識到這是真實。一方面清楚理性地面對周遭接二連三的混亂,一方面卻像在夢境當中,這一半的自己抗拒這個真實,否則無以承受
我妹妹開刀前被告知是良性的腫瘤,兩個星期後醫生卻向我們宣布她的癌細胞擴散到肺,肝,腎,腸導致多重器官衰竭,已經無法醫治,我們是否考慮送她住進安寧病房
我當下的反應完全鎮靜,因為我的第一要務是照顧到我的老母親的情緒和健康,我必須盡快讓她能平靜接受這個既定的事實,如果我的眼淚掉下來,我不知道我媽媽還如何支撐得住。當我父親突然過世時,媽媽也從沒在我面前哭過,她怕我擔心。那時候夜裡一點細瑣的聲音都會把我驚醒,跳起來側耳傾聽好久,我怕媽媽是自己一個人偷偷在哭。
所以醫生對我宣告這個噩耗時,我沒崩潰,我只是很平靜地說我知道了,我唯一的希望是妹妹不再受苦,如今她要離開我們,其實並不遺憾,醫生聽到我這話,露出不可置信的表情
我當時的意思是,自從我父親過世,我們母女三人每個禮拜必齊聚一起吃飯和下午茶至少一次,天大的事也要放下來,三人共處。我們三個人一起去清邁旅行,一起去清境農場度假,我們是真的非常努力地讓生活裡充滿了相聚的親密快樂,就算時間倒流,也沒辦法做得再多了。
回想起我妹妹從小到大,打從她出生就是我的心肝寶貝,幼稚園的時候我為了給她爭娃娃車的座位和男生打架打到滿臉是血,她第一天進小學我連自己的課都不上,守在她的窗戶外面怕她害怕,怕她不適應。一直到她高中,每一天每一天我都花好長時間聽她說學校裡各種遭遇,我總是絞盡腦汁想怎麼能解決她生活中的種種不快樂。她第一次得癌症,我瞞著父母親,怕他們擔憂,一直到開刀完,放療完,做化療因為掉頭髮瞞不住。怕病後的她消沉,我的朋友聚會,各種活動,每一次都帶著她。我用盡全力了,我覺得時間就算倒流,我也沒法做得更多。
當初就有朋友警告過我,很多人…尤其是那種習於照顧他人,扛責任的個性的人,反作用力來得慢,有的人甚至在一年以後,開始把緊繃的神經、肩膀上扛的巨大壓力放鬆下來時,突然崩潰掉。在處理完喪事,很多混亂龐雜種種,且終於可以放下對母親的情緒和身體狀況的憂慮,我才感受到這股恐怖的壓倒性黑暗,怎麼可能?你怎麼可能不遺憾?你怎麼可能覺得你做的是夠的?不夠!不夠!不夠!永遠不夠!我怨恨自己,我犯過那麼多錯,我曾有那麼多無知和自大,脾氣急躁,壞毛病一堆,如果時間可以重來,我這個也可以改,那個也可以改,為什麼死的是妹妹而不是我?
我這才發現先前我的理性上明白發生了什麼,明白妹妹已經離去,但事實上我活在一個總覺得是會醒過來的惡夢,這不會是真的,這怎麼會是真的?
那些質疑小燈泡的母親「怎麼能那麼理性」「矯情」「精神不正常」的人,你們的問題不在於你們不瞭解人的心理機制,你們嚴重的問題在於你們對他人的痛苦毫無感覺,也毫無意去理解,你們只要求別人的一言一行永遠要合乎你的期待(而不論你的期待有多無知),只要跟你想的不一樣,你可以完全不顧及別人的感覺理直氣壯地去傷害他,攻擊他,用一把無形的刀刺到他心臟上。反正躲在電腦後用這把無形的刀殺人,就算有人真的因此自殺,也不算殺人罪,你不用負擔刑罰,你甚至感覺不到自己有任何錯,而且你覺得受傷害的人活該。
凡是不符合自己期待的事,凡是跟自己想法不一樣的人,凡是看不順眼,就可以任意攻擊加以傷害,反正我就是對的,被你傷害的人是什麼感覺,老子幹嘛要知道…這個思路有沒有一種熟悉感?對,這就是那些殺害孩童的,在捷運上砍人的人的心理邏輯。你覺得你們很不同嗎?
小燈泡的母親應該對著鏡頭哭得歇斯底里倒在地上,狂喊殺人魔還我的孩子來!應該天天對著鏡頭眼淚鼻涕齊流說孩子走了我也不想活!應該跪在地上跟大眾謝罪,說我的孩子被殺死了但我錯了我對不起大家,我現在支持死刑了,請你們放過我吧!這就是你們想要的?
幸好,幸好小燈泡的母親從來沒有這麼做過,否則兇手就不只是奪走了她的女兒,連同她的教養、她的品格、她人生的信念也一併全剝奪走了。
失去所愛而活下來的我們,逝去者所留給我們的寶物是我們私人無與倫比的貴重財產,無人能奪走,也與其他人無關,小燈泡帶著母親的愛走的,她並沒有真的離開,她對母親的愛以另一種形式仍然留著,這份愛將可以支撐她的母親繼續擁有一個強大而乾淨的靈魂,堅持她的信念活在世上。

https://www.facebook.com/yingshu.cheng/posts/1101980376529167?fref=nf

Friday, April 1, 2016

Christine and Her Chemo


Written to my sister Christine as she decided to go off her chemo. She has stage 4 pancreatic caner since October 2014:

Quitin: a very happy new year to you. When you write this message last night, I was watching a movie online, "The Sum of all fears" so I did not respond to your testimony and your decision to go off chemo therapy. 


Much of what i have learnt the last few years, is that I live every day. That I treat each and every day as if it is my last, and I treasure my time with the work that I do and the time with my family. 


Like I seemingly wasted a few hours yesterday trying to treat a poorly English Immigrant speaker from Haiti, failed to extract a bad tooth. But if you think of it, I have been seeing him since Tues, and each and every day I tried to make it to see him in Dennis , after work, but without much success, that bad tooth failed to loosen up and I spent at least three hours. But we got talking, and I learnt French again. and meanwhile my kids and family were eating late lunch at the nearby Brazillian Grill. But if you check the FB pictures, I made it to the end of the meal and still enjoyed the day. 


The lesson to take away is to enjoy each and every day. I lave learnt this phrase, "Every man dies, but not every man has really lived!" 


And after my awakening to my own sense of responsibility, and to the fact that I have being worshipping false idols (eg Jesus, Yaweh, and the Jew god thing), I have come to realize that much of what I was taught, is an illusion, and not real. We were always told this world is not worthy in comparison to the next world. So we put things off. We wait, and and miss our chances in life, So I learnt to put mom and dad first, failed to tell them the truth, and failed to listen to my wife. Andrew has his own problems to solve, we shold not have decided to bring him to Cape Cod, etc. And year after year, I live in the lie of this Christian Evangelical story about God and Christ our Lord. Now I have come to it, there is no afterlife, I no longer need to worship false gods of Jesus or Jehovah, now I am free, and I no longer have to listen to the false promises of mom and dad. They dont have the money, and they live a poor life though as if they do have the wealth. Their promises, their gesture to help. I saw through all of that, I know they are poor. It is not because they have the lack of cash. No, they are poor because they are poor at heart and they need the assurance of Half witted Jew to tell them how to live here and his false promise that there is a paradise for them after life. So they cling to their possessions, their land their houses. They cling to the idea how to appease an angry Jewish god, that God will be angry if they do as much as to step put of his will. The God they worship is an idol, it is in their imagination, he does not punish people with infertility, or strike them with cancer. He is not real. But they live this poverty stricken life in the midst of plenty. The air theycould have breath in Canada is sweeter, the water they could have drank if healthier that that hell hole in TW. And the time they missed on the grand children, because they failed to come through, and in effect, they were the first ones to push me into this 'exile' to live in a small town away from all known TW civilization. Then they try to kill me a few things, and try to bankrupt me a few times because they have this idea that they need to hanf on to every little piece of properties. I see through all that. Indeed they are poor,. 


But I am rich! I might not be able to get out of this thing alive, and I do not know how much time I have with my love ones, my wife and kids. But I live every day, I breath that free and unrestrained air, and drink the cup that is prepared for me. I am God. I need no other gods to tell me what I should do and run away from. I finally know that I am the captain of my soul and the master of my fate. So I look no further. I am going to plant a few apple trees, and if it be the Lords will, I shall enjoy the fruits there of in a few years. I learn to live each and every day, as if it is my last,. 


So here it comes a full circle, every man dies, not every one has ever lived! How tragic to know this truth. I would encourage you to live each and every day. If if be the Lords will, that you want nothing to do with chemo, do so with the courageous decsion, to live each day as if it is your last, To enjoy that free air to drink the cup God has prepared for you, But not ot live cowardly, to live as if you need to beg someone to add to your days on earth. No, it is the thing we all have to do, and none of us will ever get out alive, even Jesus had to die and be buried and I do believe he rotted in his grave. But that spirit of defiance, that he lived, he lived unto God and the death he dieth, he dieth unto sin. This sin of ignorance, the sin of avarice, to lust for a few more properties and things, and life that were not meant to be. These are the lives I see for Andrew and my parents. I no longer so do. 


How much time will you have? I am not sure, neither is mine. My time here and now is all that I have. I will treasure that daily. And as you Andrew, it is my decision to wait a few years, perhaps ten before we talk again. and as for dad, I will call him time to time, if needed, but remember the days are drawing a close to his days here. If he were in Toronto, and something were to happen, eg a stroke, an accident,, that he dies while he were there, I have already told him as I do so with you, that I will come up and cremate him. I have the experience to help this professor Gu and I shall not hesitate to do so again. and spread his ashes on grandma's grave. I will do so reverently,but I will not commit to a religious ceremony nor to cause more trouble than it should. Returning to the earth is the most sacred thing itself, and need no gods to bless it, nor these pastoral parasites to feed of. So, enjoy the days of thy youth, pray to God often, and tell him that he has been wrong many times! I do so, with each day l live, and each breath I take, in the courageous act to defy this ancient Christian deity, that he too had to die and be buried in the ground, and that we each live thereafter in this light! Holy New Year to you this year! and I will spend some time today to feed chickens and plant a few new apple trees! What a glorious day today is! Cheers, for I have overcome the world!!



JAN 4TH, 2:14AM