My
Deconversion Story
Benjamin
Chung, DMD
August 18,
2012 Common Era
East Orleans,
MA
I had been a Christian all my life. I was born into a Taiwanese Presbyterian family, with a few generations of service to this Scottish church. My great grandfather served this church under very meager and harsh condition since his graduation from Tainan Theological Seminary in 1888. He died early in his career, and it was attributed to his work. He was overworked as a minister and the pay was meager and difficult to raise his eight children. As a result, he suffered poor health and died early, when my grandfather was eight. His wife converted to Catholicism, and for that, the removed his name from the roaster. This is how the Scottish Church paid him for his honest work. He left some writing, some recorded the extreme inequality of the pay scale: the masters, the white missionaries got pay ten times than the slaves (local natives). This type of pay scale continued for sometime after his untimely death. We call this practice “exploitation.” This is going to be a continual pattern in Evangelical Christianity.
I no longer hold the god of the Evangelicals true nor do I pray to it or worship it. If I believe in God at all, it is in the human community, the good earth, and values that I share with my fellow humans.
Early
in my life, I was baptized as a child. In my upbringing, I started
to read the bible, and as part of the Sunday School education, I
memorized quite a few verses. This continued when I moved to Canada
in the summer of 1980. I was accepted by a local independent
Charismatic church called “Glad Tidings Temple.” I spent the
next four years in this fundamentalist church, became quite
acquainted with Premillennialism, and had a dramatic conversion
experience at the age of 16. At that time in my life, I was
separated from my own family (my parents were not allowed to stay in
Canada), my community (I was cut off from Taiwan), and I received
regular indoctrination of man/sin/salvation at this church and my day
school. My school, Temple Academy used an irregular and
non-accredited fundamentalist curriculum called Accelerated Christian
Education. It holds one of the most extreme views on Protestant
American Christianity, and it was designed to supplant modern
education, and to roll back advances made by modernity. It keeps
kids from studying natural sciences, and provides them with a
constant bombardment of an out-dated cosmology (Genesis), values, and
codes of conduct. I suspect most of kids that completed such
curriculum do very poorly in life, and perhaps were kept at the
bottom of this modern society because they have no useful skills
other than to regurgitate bible verses, and to wait constantly in
fear of the second coming. These folks are decidedly 'left behind'
by their own inadequate education. My teachers, narrow minded
fundamentalists, told us not to study in a regular
college/university, less we would be affected/contaminated by
humanism. With education like this, you can imagine how many bottom
feeders of this society they could produce. My luck was in the
switching of this school to another regular Christian school, Prairie
High School, in Alberta. It was accredited by the Alberta Education
Ministry. Even though it was still a fundamentalist education, I
received a much superior education which eventually allowed me to
make application to any Canadian university. It was with this
regular post-secondary education, I gradually moved on from this type
of mind control.
My
education by these religious Christian fundamentalists taught me to
pay little or no attention to modernity. It permanently damaged my
thinking in evolution. After a bachelor degree in Biology, graduate
education in dentistry, I still find it difficult to comprehend this
scientific theory. I attributed this to my tireless teachers and
the damnable curriculum that drilled into my head to disregard
science and modernity. It also gave me the anger about the changes
that occurred in the development of modern theology. I was told of
the great chasm between us as fundamentalists and secular humanist
society. We were so certain in the inerrant, inspired word of god.
Furthermore, when science and the word conflicted with each other, to
disregard the obvious and trust completely in the bible. I was also
taught as a Dominionist, that is, our faith is supreme to all other
human conventions. My faith in the ancient and stone age teachings
of Jewish writing, would uphold the unfair treatment of women
(subservient to men, due to their fault at the Garden of Eden and the
introduction of sin into the world), of gays (for the longest time, I
fear and hated gay folks, thought them as sinful, unnatural and god
will destroy them in the future), and slavery ( I find it justifiable
that whatever scriptures advocated, it would be fine with me). I
also see no trouble with massive genocide described in the bible, and
the modern on-going genocide in Palestine between the Jews and the
Arabs. I was taught that every thing must be placed under the feet
of god and his messiah (Ps. 2).
I no longer do.
I did not arrive at this point in my life accidentally, or by careless wondering, I lost my faith. Instead, I came to this point in my life by some life changing events and intellectually integrity that gradually moved me and propelled me to this current position.
I no longer do.
I did not arrive at this point in my life accidentally, or by careless wondering, I lost my faith. Instead, I came to this point in my life by some life changing events and intellectually integrity that gradually moved me and propelled me to this current position.
- Life Changing Event #1
I met my wife in my final dental school year. I had not previously understand my folks, but in this incident, I realize what their religion is. Their religion is their stomach, their desires. As the sacred teaching taught, “their god is their own stomach.” My wife and I came from very similar back ground. We were all raised as Taiwanese Presbyterian, and later on I found out that her great grandfather was in the same seminary class as my great grandfather. My folks main concern was that she did not come from a wealthy family. On that point, I was mercilessly persecuted, yelled at, and humiliated. I was forced to take a job and worked in order to acquire my independence. I had to demonstrate the courage and the will to be, otherwise, I could not married her.
All
that time, I wondered often, of what went wrong. I studied at a very
prestigious school, Harvard, and I did everything was supposed to do
to please my folks. At the age of 28, I seldom date other women, for
the fear to upset my folks. My previous adventures were utterly
failures, all my former girlfriends were repugnant to my own folks,
as they made many excuses whether it be race, culture, or timing. At
the age of 28, I grew tired of this talk. I realize that the fifth
commandment is not about blind obedience, it was about honouring the
parents. But in my folks mind, their own honour was link to their
face, and had I married to their will, I would just marry any body
they put up, and live with that person for life (Christianity forbids
divorce except very strenuous circumstances). My goal at that time
was to study theology after my dental training. I even made
application to Princeton Theological Seminary, and my wife did not
seem to object this as some others had done. Meeting my wife changed
all that, and I recanted my application to Princeton, and went to
work.
As I stepped out of 'the will of god' began my self-reliance, I was extremely fearful of an angry god, in addition to my own angry folks. That god might strike me down for this blatant disobedience to his teaching. I should have broken up with this MIT educated girlfriend, and married anybody they say. I worked in the slums of Lowell, spent three hours commuting daily for about 5-6 months, until my folks reluctantly granted me permission. As I took the hour long commuter rail from Boston to Lowell, I read Kierkegaard. I admired his courage to do what is right. He taught me that the courage to be. That was a life line to me as a fundamentalist, since beneath the angry, there was fear. The god we worshiped told us to blindly obey our parents, less it would strike us down. I actively disobeyed this god and my folks. I rather be dead than to live like a coward. So far, god did not kill me, and I am still alive, with a lovely family of 7. My lovely children in many ways, repudiated this ridiculous teaching. This first life changing event taught me that this god does not exist, and we need not to fear it. So I became 'depersonalized' of my relationship with it or to its jesus.
As I stepped out of 'the will of god' began my self-reliance, I was extremely fearful of an angry god, in addition to my own angry folks. That god might strike me down for this blatant disobedience to his teaching. I should have broken up with this MIT educated girlfriend, and married anybody they say. I worked in the slums of Lowell, spent three hours commuting daily for about 5-6 months, until my folks reluctantly granted me permission. As I took the hour long commuter rail from Boston to Lowell, I read Kierkegaard. I admired his courage to do what is right. He taught me that the courage to be. That was a life line to me as a fundamentalist, since beneath the angry, there was fear. The god we worshiped told us to blindly obey our parents, less it would strike us down. I actively disobeyed this god and my folks. I rather be dead than to live like a coward. So far, god did not kill me, and I am still alive, with a lovely family of 7. My lovely children in many ways, repudiated this ridiculous teaching. This first life changing event taught me that this god does not exist, and we need not to fear it. So I became 'depersonalized' of my relationship with it or to its jesus.
- Life Changing Event #2
I
served as a Board of Director at Prairie Bible Institute during
2003-2004. I had spent a lot of time and money at this school. I
paid my own way to the board meeting, I donated a good sum of money
to this school. I stayed up at night agonizing over my decision to
close my own high school. I called the chairman, spoke to other
board of directors. They assured me that this is a christian
organization, and it would be different from 'secular organizations.'
Instead, this is the same if not worse than regular organizations.
There was no transparency to all the decisions made on the Board.
Every decision has been made prior to my joining the board, they were
looking for a rubber stamp. This would have a last impact on my
understanding of “the moral superiority” of Christians. They all
claim that since they are the new creation, that they have moved from
darkness into light. Their actions are blessed by god and they are
indeed truer human beings and higher moral beings, and they act much
more justly than their unenlightened unsaved neighbours. This is
actually a self delusion. They are like their neighbours, and if
not, much worse than their neighbours. I would come to this point
later in this testimony. My board experience allows me to see past
this egregious christian claim, and as I sat there in the midst of an
autocratic president, deceitful agendas and uncaring and
intellectually inferior board members, I had another life crisis. I
had trusted god and these men. None of them are trustworthy, I felt
betrayed as my school was closed. I tried unsuccessfully to arouse
any alumni by calling them and emailing many. It turned out that
they are just as bad as the Board. It seems to me that they have
been taught to blindly trust god and this president whom they thought
has the will of god to guide school into bigger and better thing.
Events would unfold that his unpopular tricks would resulted in the
anger of the bible college community and the whole town. They
literally ran him out of town. Through this whole thing, I see no
hand of god, just merely our own foolishness and the blind trust in a
being that is not there, that is not at all powerful, or knowing.
And worse yet, I had given a large sum of money to something that
would have definitely helped my own desperate financial situation.
This
crisis affirms my suspicion that god is not there. We have blindly
trust in a being in the sky that was thought to be all powerful, all
knowing, and all present. No, this bible college was struggling
against the tides of time. It is no longer attractive to young men
or women, as the interests in missionary enterprises died, and the
money evaporated. This man, Jon Ohlhauser had a very limited
education in the fundamentalist college (Liberty University), his
dictatorial habits came from his reading of the bible, of his own
assimilation of biblical Moses. Neither was the Exodus event
historical or if there were other archeological findings to back this
(http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/ancient/bibles-buried-secrets.html).
Many of our faith community attributed to the appointment of this
man as the will of god, and toward the end, the installed the
Chairman of the Board as the next president as the will of god. This
new president knew all along that Jon was destroying the school,
failed to stop him, and is awarded the presidency of the bible
college. I am not sure this is the will of god or is it our own
foolishness.
- Life Changing Event #3
I
studied biblical Hebrew as an elective course in college. I am very
familiar with the first 12 chapters of Genesis. It began to dawn on
me after 20 years, that my reading of Genesis is tainted with my own
fundamentalist beliefs. These few chapters contradicts modern
science, advocates polygamy and the subservience of women, blood shed
and human sacrifice. There are many things we no longer accept as
valid, and the deity in the Genesis is a vengeful god and his sons
had lustful sexual intercourse with human daughters which resulted in
the extermination of the supposed human race. This Noahic story is
to be a pattern for the future destruction as it was foretold by
Jesus in the Gospels. This time, instead of using water, it would be
the unquenchable fire. The creation myth is closely approximating
Gilgamesh tales, and it would make sense that this myth was
perpetuated in Near East where the Jews came from. Stars, little or
great light (obviously the author was careful not to use Shamash the
sun god) was placed into the firm-dome called the sky. The author
had no proper modern cosmology, and there was no way for his
imagination to the creation of this world, other a stone age
understanding. This is not how the world began. Stars are billion
and trillion light years part, and in order for their light to reach
the earth, that light had to be travelling a very long time.
Geological records point to a very old earth, with many layers of
fossils that contain intermediary forms. DNA points to the common
ancestors that we share in this gift of life. Furthermore, my
understanding of inerrancy was a product of American ingenuity
against the development of textual and higher criticism of the
christian scriptures. Bart Erhman through his careful studies,
established the same conclusion that much of the christian sacred
texts were not totally fool-proofed. Much of the textual formation
is directly related to the faith communities they come from, and the
details of much dispute can be traced to the changes of the ongoing
faith communities of shifting and changing christians all over that
Roman era. Details in the Gospels conflict with each other, confuse
each other, and in a way nullify each others. Jesus has two
different genealogical accounts. His teaching varied from gospel to
gospel, and the details of his life, crucifixion and resurrection all
varied significantly from gospel to gospel. Whether he was silent on
the cross, or murmured a prayer, or held direct conversations to his
contemporary at that time. Whether there was a large earthquake
which resulted in the raising of many dead people, or there was none.
Much of these lore cannot be historically verified, and even the
person of Jesus is in doubt, much of his life seems to coincide with
the deities of that land, during that time.
Lloyd
Geering taught me that we create the concept of god. This god is not
a person, and at the end of his interview, he believes in the human
community and the earth. He has a profound influence in how I see
the question of faith.
- Life Changing Event #4
As
I type these words, I no longer profess my belief in a personal god,
nor do I have faith in a theological christ. If I have any faith at
all, it is in the goodness of people, this community and the world,
the earth. I have seen many went into the theological seminaries
because they no longer can sustain themselves in a real work, or
would hold onto a proper job. Their inability to find regular and
meaningful work, propelled them to seek this easy life. They would
study at a simple seminary for three years, and upon graduation, they
could find a better employment that pays well, demands very little
physical or actual work. Indeed, their work is virtual, they preach
a god to the taste of their congregation: that is full of love (the
congregation needs that), supplies all their needs, blesses them with
wealth, jobs and children. That it answers prayers, and in the time
of need, to provide virtual comfort. They also justify their being
in this type of unproductive work by asking their parishioners for
money. I have seen much of this lazy and deceitful practice that
they pay no taxes, that they fooled the congregation of their time
and money. Worse yet, this instant power allows some of them to
sexually molest innocent children and adults. Their preaching of a
submissive role of women, and the strict sexual purity practices kept
the fear in their congregation. They then proceed to transgress that
by sexually molest and rape the young women or children. It happened
at my own bible college, and other religious institutions, be it the
Catholic churches, Bob Jones University, or Jack Schaap of the
Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church in Hammond, Indiana.
Indeed, much of the abuses is not just sexual or physical, but
emotional or spiritual. These parasites sucked life and money and
energy out of their parishioners. I no longer see this type of faith
is justified in the insurmountable evidences that point to the simple
fact, that their god is their stomach, that they could not take a
regular job so their turn to the religious who are simpletons. They
dare not question the will of god, and they dare not to ask the
obvious question. Should we or should we not spend money and time in
these delusions??
Much of the evangelical god and enterprises rest with capitalism. They have an unnatural urge to increase the amount of money and followers. They seek to convert as many as quickly and by all means necessary. They have unexamined their own faith in god and jesus. If they truly believe in this fictional gospel jesus, they would have given all their possessions to the poor, live a homeless celibate life. They would walk “the narrow path”, and live a very modest if not austere celibate life, eagerly waiting for the second coming and the next life. They would abstain from taking the money since in the Acts story, the collection of money was for the saints in Jerusalem (ie. poor people), and no more. There was no mention of building elaborate church buildings, paying the clergy a sizable sum of money and putting them up on the pedestal as the kings and governors of the simpletons. This marriage of capitalism destroys families and rifts them apart from their actual communities. They want more and more followers and conversions, and devote all their energies, and by all means necessary. I see this delusion harmful, and anti-religious. God is not honoured and human communities and families have been unfairly taxed to build bigger and better looking buildings. As they increase in size and numbers, they propelled these men whose intellectual life this world rejects. So they in turn fooled others. These parasites are a burden to society, like all other forms of biological parasites.
Much of the evangelical god and enterprises rest with capitalism. They have an unnatural urge to increase the amount of money and followers. They seek to convert as many as quickly and by all means necessary. They have unexamined their own faith in god and jesus. If they truly believe in this fictional gospel jesus, they would have given all their possessions to the poor, live a homeless celibate life. They would walk “the narrow path”, and live a very modest if not austere celibate life, eagerly waiting for the second coming and the next life. They would abstain from taking the money since in the Acts story, the collection of money was for the saints in Jerusalem (ie. poor people), and no more. There was no mention of building elaborate church buildings, paying the clergy a sizable sum of money and putting them up on the pedestal as the kings and governors of the simpletons. This marriage of capitalism destroys families and rifts them apart from their actual communities. They want more and more followers and conversions, and devote all their energies, and by all means necessary. I see this delusion harmful, and anti-religious. God is not honoured and human communities and families have been unfairly taxed to build bigger and better looking buildings. As they increase in size and numbers, they propelled these men whose intellectual life this world rejects. So they in turn fooled others. These parasites are a burden to society, like all other forms of biological parasites.
My
conclusion:
If anything that can be said about seeking a religious life, is to live a religious life. There is no need for any unfounded moral superiority in these evangelical churches. They fooled around as much as others do, and the divorces are more so in the churches than the infidels. Their intellectually dishonesty and their consistent greed is what sets them apart. As I alluded to the early part of my testimony, their god is their stomach (desires). I no longer do believe in this god.
If I believe in God at all, I do so, believing in the goodness every human being who honestly trying to lead a good life, knowing the faults of being human, but able to reconcile that with their neighbours and love and esteem others better than ourselves. Refrain ourselves to take what is not ours, and share the land and its bounty with the animals we live with, and in the world, with courage. That is God, that is God to me, that we have the moral courage to act and do the right thing, and be honest to ourselves.
If anything that can be said about seeking a religious life, is to live a religious life. There is no need for any unfounded moral superiority in these evangelical churches. They fooled around as much as others do, and the divorces are more so in the churches than the infidels. Their intellectually dishonesty and their consistent greed is what sets them apart. As I alluded to the early part of my testimony, their god is their stomach (desires). I no longer do believe in this god.
If I believe in God at all, I do so, believing in the goodness every human being who honestly trying to lead a good life, knowing the faults of being human, but able to reconcile that with their neighbours and love and esteem others better than ourselves. Refrain ourselves to take what is not ours, and share the land and its bounty with the animals we live with, and in the world, with courage. That is God, that is God to me, that we have the moral courage to act and do the right thing, and be honest to ourselves.
It
is “to do justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly” with this
God.
I
wrote this deconversion testimony for a certain group of people. I
wrote it first for myself, to summarize why I no longer believe in a
personal Evangelical god. And it helps me to summarize why I no
longer look to these churches for help and comfort. I also write
this for another set of people, of those who are actively taking and
sucking on resources of others to fulfill their own damnable desires.
This parasitic activities have destroyed families and unfairly
burden families in the fear that they had to in order to please god.
No, they do not, but they have to have the courage to be. Finally, I
write this as a warning to those ministers of the Evangelical faith,
that they ought to cross examine their calling, perhaps they can take
up meaningful jobs and live a life I can respect, and do not burden
others for the work their should have done themselves. It is in the
realization that their faith is unusually married to capitalism, that
their insatiable greed in en massing great numbers of money, people
and resources. Perhaps they will learn that there is no end in what
a hell will acquire through this type of greed, and live a
sustainable, humble life style, if any, they can also worship God in
their meaningful work for others, in the greening of Christianity,
and in building a more just society for their neighbours. It is
then, the Kingdom will come to earth when we stop believing in fairy
tales, and supporting delusions to enslave others. We are indeed
able to believe in God and in this good earth. We will live the rest
of our lives in this peace and to that end, we will be. Amen.
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