Saturday, February 11, 2012

How my intimacy with 'god' is damaged

This is an ongoing dialogue as I tried to explained to a good atheist friend my own journey away from faith:



So here is how my personal intimate relationship with "God" is damaged. 


My cultural background is a confucian-presbyterian teaching that stresses on blind obedience. I have aslo suspected my mother's upbringing of me is about 'breaking the will' theory, she did that to my brother and so we all followed. Not a question was allowed and that went as far as all the decisions they made for you. At a young age of 13 I was sent to live with my uncle, with my older brother and younger sister. This form of authoritarianism was my childhood. I was not allow to form friendship outside of the host family.....primarily that would take up a lot of my time to study, no sports no conventions, etc, when my folks were denied entry to Canada, esp my own mother. My dad was able to make aquick visit between every 2 years. When the relationship of my host family deteriorated, I was the problem solver. I found Prairie High School. It was far away in the prairies of Alberta, but cheap enough all three of us could go. I have always been a problem solver in my family, even in marital solution.


The blind obedience forced me not to attend bible college, for my religious and sincere folks although they claim that they love "God" but making a good living and having a good life is much more important. Or they used the delay technique. So they would say, when you are ready, finished all this is required of you (meaning tobe a professional) you can do as you please. As you can tell, I did finish Harvard Dental School, but inthe process, the critical thinking had also damaged my simple and childish faith in the evangelical god. This is to be a pattern in my life, they would 'suggest' something, I would have no choice but to obey. The 'big stick' was always that is what 'god' required of me. So threetimes I tried to apply to the theological seminary, three times I had to withdraw, at the end, I am so ladden with debt, I have no other choice but to keep working. That is another story.


The key is this breaking the will of a rebellious child because they know what is best for you. My brother suffered the most and my sister as well. I was the brave one. I questioned a lof of their decisions, and came to realize that as humans, they are selfish and they cannot see that part of selfishness, and their decisions havenot all been honest or good, but they cannot be questioned, so when the final conflict rises, there is no where to turn but to open become rebellious and starts a revolution. So I did. I do not date casually. My relations is heterosexual and I am not interested in men, but early on I learned that there is no guidance or help along the way. According to my folks, I cannot marry whoever I wanted until I have fulfill their standard. Then there is no standard other than money. I dated a white girl briefly at Prairie, it was very traumatizing, since she is too white and there a lot of cultural gap. She would be the Bill Gothard type, I wonder how much brain she has....ny folks completely shun me and would not even discuss this topic. So the girl withdrew and cut off the relationship, then I did not date for the longest time. Then I briefly tried again with a Canadian born Chinese girl, that was no good, because she is not Taiwanese. So I tried a Taiwanese student, and again that was no good because she has a poor education as her background. Then I stopped dating all together, became very monastic , which is re enforced by my own reading of 'spirituality' which always detests sexuality. I was about to join the Jesuits after watching the movie the Mission, than in my last dental school year, briefly and this time is the final I met my wife. A Presbyterian Taiwanese girl who has an extensive ministers in her family and she was a MIT college junior at the time. My father is trained as an engineer, so MIT is the god temple of his worship. But even that, he still objected. since they also checked her background, and this time they said she had no money.


I was ready to join the Jesuits, and this time I finally realize that they have no morals, no standards like Jews. That also significantly damaged my respect for the Lord and my folks. This damage would slowly emerge when I moved further and further as I see my folks in the God I worship. So as I pulled away, and all my philosophical constructs fall apart, of God, of parents, of the 5th commandment, and that would imply I would move further and further down the slippery path. 


That was 16 years ago. I have tried but unsuccessfully to confront my own folks about this emotional abuse but unsuccessful. I get a partial apology, that is not enough for me. For they also have locked me in a financial arrangement that I canot get out, unless I commit suicide. MY father's favorite saying is , "If the imperial edict is for his minister to die, had he not die the death, he is a bad minister." F## this. They always make you feel you owe them so much that there is no recourse, but to obey. F## this too. I no longer do have any intimate relationship with this abusive relationship since Hannah was born, and that was 4 years ago. I have not permitted them to come and stay in my house , and this winter they are trying again, I think Iam going to say no.

1 comment:

  1. I actually said no in the end, so they will not visit my place, it has been that way since Hannah was born.

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